although it has been awhile, i think it's important to point out i have busy... it doesn't mean that things haven't been running through my head at a million miles an hour, but i haven't found the down time to write anything that i have been feeling down.
recently it seems that i have become accustom to taking care of someone else. i certainly adore ben... let's be honest.... i love him, but when did i become someone who truly is content with taking care of someone else? does that make me sound resentful, because i absolutely am not. i want ben to be happy and to know that i care about him enough that i am willing, even happy to do things for him (that i obviously know he can do for himself). does that mean i am growing up? i am not asking for anything in return?
i was questioned tonight about why we are moving in together. i found this to be relatively funny.... possibly amusing. why does anyone move in with someone? my response to this question... we care about each other, we want to know that every night we will lay down and fall asleep next to each other, we know that there is no one else we would rather bicker with, there is no one i would rather wake up next to. he is my rock, the person i count on. i think so many times i reach out and complain about him, but honestly, he is a good guy... he cares and i know he does even if he doesn't always show it. i know that he loves me and when it comes down to it, he would do anything for me.
there should be no doubters out there... ben and i are stronger than most think. we compliment each other in ways that no one understands. he keeps me grounded, he is a point of reference. he can say to me that i am being ridiculous without it hurting my feelings... he is the person i want. he makes me better... so please stop doubting. please stop thinking i am making a mistake. i am more sure of this than anything else... i may get nervous and i may get scared, but you are talking about moving in together and that's a big deal... it doesn't matter how old we are... or how long we have been together. if we are ok with it, then that is what matters.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
Phew... I can't believe that vacation is almost over. I feel like I haven't gotten done everything I wanted to, but at the same time, I feel well rested (well, outside of my legs).
Monday was awesome... The marathon was fun. Man those elite athletes are in crazy good shape. I guess I shouldn't be so surprised, but holy crap! I think I have lots of work to do. I only need to lose another 10 pounds, find a sponsor so I can quit my job and live running 24/7 and I could be that good too. We had fun though. It was a long walk to get to the gear store- all the side roads near the shoot were closed, so it was a big loop around the actual finish line. Fire and Ice baby for lunch!! and then we headed into the Garden for game 2. At although our seats were as high as you can get, we watched an amazing game. Can we give Allen a big shout out for his game winner? Cause basically he is amazing. I definitely slept the entire way home on the train. I love that I can sleep any where I want.
So, I played in a pick-up game (frisbee) last night. I am terrible. I am not sure though I can get any better unless I keep playing. I need play slowed down and probably playing in a situation where others are learning and others want to stop and explain or give directions... tell me where to go. I was told last night that I will be cut if I can't hold my own. nice. here i am trying something totally out of my comfort zone with people i don't know where everyone is significantly better than me- ahh... i just need some patience and some practice time.
dog front... it looks like german shepard is winning... just makes me nervous.
Monday was awesome... The marathon was fun. Man those elite athletes are in crazy good shape. I guess I shouldn't be so surprised, but holy crap! I think I have lots of work to do. I only need to lose another 10 pounds, find a sponsor so I can quit my job and live running 24/7 and I could be that good too. We had fun though. It was a long walk to get to the gear store- all the side roads near the shoot were closed, so it was a big loop around the actual finish line. Fire and Ice baby for lunch!! and then we headed into the Garden for game 2. At although our seats were as high as you can get, we watched an amazing game. Can we give Allen a big shout out for his game winner? Cause basically he is amazing. I definitely slept the entire way home on the train. I love that I can sleep any where I want.
So, I played in a pick-up game (frisbee) last night. I am terrible. I am not sure though I can get any better unless I keep playing. I need play slowed down and probably playing in a situation where others are learning and others want to stop and explain or give directions... tell me where to go. I was told last night that I will be cut if I can't hold my own. nice. here i am trying something totally out of my comfort zone with people i don't know where everyone is significantly better than me- ahh... i just need some patience and some practice time.
dog front... it looks like german shepard is winning... just makes me nervous.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Big Boston day tomorrow
Ok, so I am officially on vacation... there are certainly some benefits to this, however it does take me off my normal routine. Tomorrow we are headed to Boston to WATCH the marathon and the chilling until we head into Game 2. Our seats aren't great, but they were cheap and everyone loves play-off basketball. I am thinking it's going to be a long day though.
Did another long run today... I am not sure i like mixing speed into my runs that are longer than 10 miles. I have to faith in coach mike that he knows what he is talking about... I feel less ready today than I did a month ago. I am sure I am not, but my legs haven't been clued in yet. My mileage is definitely up- looking at around 35 a week... I was doing around 25. Is it terrible that I am dying to taper?
Fairly big development in the Ben and Kaity situation... we have talked about moving in together and in February it was NO WAY. We didn't talk about it other than in passing in March. April though- i brought up that I needed a roommate and we started talking about we are together all the time anyway... it would be cheaper... blah, blah... we decided we would live together (at bridge street or high street). I clearly was pushing for Bridge Street (I hate moving), but understood where he was coming from. Moving in with a girlfriend is a BIG deal, leaving friends behind is a BIG deal... we were hanging out and he announced that he would move into Bridge Street. I am glad now that i didn't push too much and let him process things on his own. Now we are trying to decide if we get a dog... I want one so badly... I want a cute little puppy... I am thinking a lab or a german shorthaired pointer... he is thinking german shepard. My only issue with german shepards are they are HUGE and they are really ugly when they are old. So, I guess we'll see.
Summer league has also been decided... Toby (the captain coordinator) said that Ben and Jess cannot captain together. I am glad that someone else got to make that decision... took the pressure off me. Phew- I think with recent developments though I would have been fine with it. She and I still need to figure out how to be able to be in the same place.
School- can we say VACATION! and it couldn't have come at a better time.
I am reading "the Shack" right now... interesting story. It's about a family who's daughter is kidnapped and murdered and the families struggle to maintain their relationship with God. It's interesting to spend most my reading time about faith and the relationship between Jesus, God and the holy spirit. I think I need to go back and reread the bible. anyone else read this?
Did another long run today... I am not sure i like mixing speed into my runs that are longer than 10 miles. I have to faith in coach mike that he knows what he is talking about... I feel less ready today than I did a month ago. I am sure I am not, but my legs haven't been clued in yet. My mileage is definitely up- looking at around 35 a week... I was doing around 25. Is it terrible that I am dying to taper?
Fairly big development in the Ben and Kaity situation... we have talked about moving in together and in February it was NO WAY. We didn't talk about it other than in passing in March. April though- i brought up that I needed a roommate and we started talking about we are together all the time anyway... it would be cheaper... blah, blah... we decided we would live together (at bridge street or high street). I clearly was pushing for Bridge Street (I hate moving), but understood where he was coming from. Moving in with a girlfriend is a BIG deal, leaving friends behind is a BIG deal... we were hanging out and he announced that he would move into Bridge Street. I am glad now that i didn't push too much and let him process things on his own. Now we are trying to decide if we get a dog... I want one so badly... I want a cute little puppy... I am thinking a lab or a german shorthaired pointer... he is thinking german shepard. My only issue with german shepards are they are HUGE and they are really ugly when they are old. So, I guess we'll see.
Summer league has also been decided... Toby (the captain coordinator) said that Ben and Jess cannot captain together. I am glad that someone else got to make that decision... took the pressure off me. Phew- I think with recent developments though I would have been fine with it. She and I still need to figure out how to be able to be in the same place.
School- can we say VACATION! and it couldn't have come at a better time.
I am reading "the Shack" right now... interesting story. It's about a family who's daughter is kidnapped and murdered and the families struggle to maintain their relationship with God. It's interesting to spend most my reading time about faith and the relationship between Jesus, God and the holy spirit. I think I need to go back and reread the bible. anyone else read this?
Friday, April 10, 2009
not sure how to feel about saturday
Ever feel like you should be upset about something, but you just aren't? that is how I am feeling about tomorrow. I mean, I know Ben is meeting up with Jess for coffee, but i just don't care. I would be lieing if i said I wasn't weirded out, but I am certainly not mad about it. I am so over the drama and the stress of it. what will be will be. That isn't to say that I don't give a shit if this begins to happen regularly or if they decide that co-captaining is the way to go for summer league- actually I am not sure how I will react. My gut says I will have melt down... I am hoping that I am together enough that I will handle it maturely. Guess we'll see. Ideally, Ben will just opt not to do this and it won't be an issue.
Running is going well... we ran today for 63 minutes and I felt great. My legs are getting used to the miles... 40 this week in 5 days. I think it will be closer to 50 next week. I just need the rest of my body to catch up with the increase. I have been ridiculously tired this week (to the point on whinny one day and tears on another).
I cannot wait for vacation... nothing too exciting happening, but just to have a week off from school sounds great~ sleeping in... sleeping in... sleeping in... then only 8 weeks of school left!
Running is going well... we ran today for 63 minutes and I felt great. My legs are getting used to the miles... 40 this week in 5 days. I think it will be closer to 50 next week. I just need the rest of my body to catch up with the increase. I have been ridiculously tired this week (to the point on whinny one day and tears on another).
I cannot wait for vacation... nothing too exciting happening, but just to have a week off from school sounds great~ sleeping in... sleeping in... sleeping in... then only 8 weeks of school left!
Monday, April 6, 2009
so... we finally had the talk. round one didn't go so well. and not in the we fought about it not so well... but in the didn't go so well in the nope we aren't going to live together sense. since i couldn't understand how he could flip-flop so quickly i kept asking questions. apparently that isn't the way to actually get information. so i tried another tactic... i went the quiet route. i waited... i held off with my wise comments and snarkiness... and strange, he was willing to discuss it further. i don't want to seem pushy about this, but it keeps coming up in round about ways and i think it needs to just needed to be discussed.
the bottom line? he wants to live with me... but isn't sure he is ready to move into a place (bridge street) that if something goes wrong he has to go. i get this... i don't blame him. this is clearly my house... not his. and although i would never send him packing without a place to live, i understand that concern.
he made two suggestions... 1. i move into high street or 2. we have someone else move into bridge street with us. the down side to high street is we loose laundry, off street parking, backyard and the ability to have a dog. oh and it would be like $50 more a month for me. moving someone else in here... the down side is having someone else here. so we will see. as long as we are both on the same page that we want to be together, i guess that is what matters.
it will be interesting what happens next. i gave him a time line for when i needed to know and when if we weren't going to move in together when I would need a roommate by...
rowed today instead of going for a run... my arms HURT!
the bottom line? he wants to live with me... but isn't sure he is ready to move into a place (bridge street) that if something goes wrong he has to go. i get this... i don't blame him. this is clearly my house... not his. and although i would never send him packing without a place to live, i understand that concern.
he made two suggestions... 1. i move into high street or 2. we have someone else move into bridge street with us. the down side to high street is we loose laundry, off street parking, backyard and the ability to have a dog. oh and it would be like $50 more a month for me. moving someone else in here... the down side is having someone else here. so we will see. as long as we are both on the same page that we want to be together, i guess that is what matters.
it will be interesting what happens next. i gave him a time line for when i needed to know and when if we weren't going to move in together when I would need a roommate by...
rowed today instead of going for a run... my arms HURT!
Sunday, April 5, 2009
sunday, sunday
I have been thinking a lot about life recently and trying to sort out what makes me genuinely happy and what makes me happy in the moment. if anyone has answers, i surely welcome them.
I find it hard to believe that a year has passed since this whole ben and i situation began... and i know technically it has been longer than a year, but really only a year of caring about each other as more than the drunkin stagger home. It will be interesting to see what happens as the weather gets nicer and we want to be outside more often with things to do. I don't want to start staying at his house again. I don't want to live out of my car or a bag or a pile of clothes in his room. I don't want to smush into a twin size bed on High Street. He however is going back and forth on us living in Westbrook. I think he wants to, correction, i know he wants to, but living together is a big deal and he has never lived with a girlfriend before... so I am not sure how that will play out. I think once he realizes that if he goes back to Portland, I won't be there with him it will change his mind to thinking that moving in here is absolutely what he wants.
I have a long run today... Coach Mike's workouts have really started to pick up. Our speed workout on Thursday was a killer... today we are running 2.5 hours (which is less than I have been running on my long runs) but this time we run at an easy pace for 45, threshold for 15, easy for 45, threshold for 15 and then finish with an easy 15 minutes. I think the threshold parts are going to kill me. (easy, fast, easy, fast, easy- for clarification). Keep your fingers crossed. The good news, is we are going to run outside!! so... at least we will do this together. And there will be no quitting on each other. We had a very long talk about that after the last long run. We are a team until the gun goes off in Vermont... I think we need t-shirts... who's wants one?
I find it hard to believe that a year has passed since this whole ben and i situation began... and i know technically it has been longer than a year, but really only a year of caring about each other as more than the drunkin stagger home. It will be interesting to see what happens as the weather gets nicer and we want to be outside more often with things to do. I don't want to start staying at his house again. I don't want to live out of my car or a bag or a pile of clothes in his room. I don't want to smush into a twin size bed on High Street. He however is going back and forth on us living in Westbrook. I think he wants to, correction, i know he wants to, but living together is a big deal and he has never lived with a girlfriend before... so I am not sure how that will play out. I think once he realizes that if he goes back to Portland, I won't be there with him it will change his mind to thinking that moving in here is absolutely what he wants.
I have a long run today... Coach Mike's workouts have really started to pick up. Our speed workout on Thursday was a killer... today we are running 2.5 hours (which is less than I have been running on my long runs) but this time we run at an easy pace for 45, threshold for 15, easy for 45, threshold for 15 and then finish with an easy 15 minutes. I think the threshold parts are going to kill me. (easy, fast, easy, fast, easy- for clarification). Keep your fingers crossed. The good news, is we are going to run outside!! so... at least we will do this together. And there will be no quitting on each other. We had a very long talk about that after the last long run. We are a team until the gun goes off in Vermont... I think we need t-shirts... who's wants one?
Thursday, April 2, 2009
happy birthday
So... it's been a while, but things have been good and although everyone likes to read the more exciting events that are created from drama, i figured I should stop in and write about how things are positive.
Ben's birthday was last weekend.... it was fun. We did lots of things that we don't usually get to do and he loved all his surprises- the presents, the people, the nights out. I am fairly excited though that things are back to normal and that he had a great day. I did however, at one point decide it was a good idea to stop and cry in the middle of the street because i had drank FAR too much!
He was sweet and dragged me home and then we headed to bed... in which he said, for the first time, that he loves me. he and I aren't the mushy gushy type, so it basically surprised me and i will be honest, it made me smile.
Ben's birthday was last weekend.... it was fun. We did lots of things that we don't usually get to do and he loved all his surprises- the presents, the people, the nights out. I am fairly excited though that things are back to normal and that he had a great day. I did however, at one point decide it was a good idea to stop and cry in the middle of the street because i had drank FAR too much!
He was sweet and dragged me home and then we headed to bed... in which he said, for the first time, that he loves me. he and I aren't the mushy gushy type, so it basically surprised me and i will be honest, it made me smile.
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