PMS

So... I am a firm believer that women are not the only gender that suffer from symptoms of PMS. I spent the day today avoiding a fight with Ben. I am not sure what I did, but I was certainly the target of his aggression today.

And... I am not sure ben and i are every going to come together on the subject of exes. I a tired. i am tired of fighting, tired of not feeling like i am being heard, tired of being the "bad guy", tired of defending my feelings. i am tired of always being wrong. i do not for one moment that he does not understand my side of things... i think he chooses to disregard my feelings.

on a different note... I am finally getting back into my running and workout groove. double session 3 days a week- maybe i'll get back into good enough shape to run another marathon. the ultra i ran in september was awesome and had a great team there with me.

I am in the final weeks of school for the year and I cannot wait for summer. I wish I was packing up and heading off to Hi-Rock, but each year that passes the missing gets a little less. I would kill for another summer there, but only if all of my favorite people went back with me. Some of my best memories came from the place, the people, who I got to be. What an amazing experience... I can never say thank you enough to everyone involved.

Frisbee season is in full swing... Mogwai went 4-0 day one at Easterns... it was strange not going down for day 2, but i brought it up twice and topic was deflected, so I just didn't go. I am really proud of Ben- pursuing his dream of making it to Nationals- I just hope he realizes it. And I hope he remembers I have had to make sacrifices along the way as well. Sometimes even cheerleaders need to be thanked.

Summer vaca- here I come. I cannot wait!!

Who am I

I looked into them mirror today and I did not recognize myself. I have become a shadow of who I used to be. I have the same basic beliefs and principals and morals, but I have lost the spark. I want to find myself. I want to feel like I am taking risks and feel like i am alive. i want to see the sunrise and watch the sun set in the arms of someone who loves me, not because i take care of them, but because without me... they aren't complete. how do you find that? do i have it and just don't see it?

Dear Duncan,

There have been so many moments in the past two years I regret. Times when I could have paid attention or just stopped by, but decided that I was too busy or told myself that I would go tomorrow. And now, there are no tomorrows and no more second chances. I have to live with knowing that I didn’t give my 100%, I have to live with knowing that your love was there and I didn’t capitalize on it. I let you down. I have guilt that I didn’t fight harder to keep you and I wasn’t willing to sacrifice my freedom to be with you. I am left with the feeling that you loved me better than I loved you.

My saving grace is that I left you with someone who loved you, who needed you more than me. It doesn’t mean I didn’t love you or that I didn’t regret my decision or I didn’t miss you. I believe that I made the best choice in the circumstances which were presented. I never stopped loving you. I never stopped smiling when I thought of you. I never stopped being in a better mood after a visit with you.

I am not good at goodbyes… But please know that you are in my heart forever. Charlie Baker will be there to greet you. Don’t be scared, we are setting you free- run fast, play nice and sleep knowing that you are truly loved.

Vacation

Phew... I feel like I have had no vacation yet. i have found myself very busy with running, the house in lewiston and the dogs. i am feeling better about life today, but not the house in lewiston. But I can't dwell on that, i have spent far too much time on it today and the stress of it just makes me grumpy.

the bf has been real sweet the past couple days... it's like he has realized that maybe he does like me and that life is better with me in it. shocking that ANYONE would even have to think about that. I mean really- have we met?

I want to do something different this summer. I miss sitting on docks and listening to the water roll in. I miss the sand between my toes and they nothingness of living away from the busy world. I miss the quiet moments spent reading or day dreaming or watching the clouds roll by. I miss feeling relaxed and having fires at night and yes, drinking a few beers while sitting near that fire. I miss crawling into bed and feeling happy, content, satisfied, relaxed and smiling. I feel like when I am here there is always something to do, to take care of, something that I can't forget... I want simplicity. I want to get back to the basics and find myself and happiness. I want to reconnect with people... but not if they add complications. I want to have game nights and drink wine and laugh. I want to feel appreciated and loved and cared about. I want to love and care and smile at the wonderful afternoon I had. I want to camp and hike and find the beauty in the world around me.

I didn't realize I wanted so many things... now... I will lay awake and stress about how to make this happen. isn't that the way?

There are moments when I wonder if we truly are alone in the world. There are so many things I want from this life and I am not sure there is someone else out there that wants the same things. I am well aware that my every wish, desire and dream will be shared by another, but there has to be someone who wants at least similar things, right? Perhaps traveling through life alone is truly the way to go... no disappointment, no let downs, no feeling like the person you love doesn't get you. I am not saying I am unhappy... I just wonder if we (I mean all of us) are trying to create something that isn't natural.

Lewiston is a disaster. I have no words to describe how disgusted I was when I saw the condition of the first floor... I have had moments of thinking that DHHS should be called. Forget the holes in the walls or the crayon drawings on EVERY wall or the missing tiles in the kitchen or the layer of scum in the shower and sink or the slimey caked on mess or god knows what in the fridge... but the piles of poop in the kid's bedroom? GROSS. YUCK. NASTY. My stomach turns at the thought of people living that way... and at the thought of me having to clean it up. Fun times this vacation.

I miss Hi Rock and wish with all of my heart that I could go back... back to the place I feel most at home. I want to feel like me.

The last few days have been absolutely gorgeous... thankfully I have had the opportunity to be outside from the moment I got out of school until I was ready to crawl into bed. The puppies have been all over the place... OOB, Spring Point and to Peak's Island. They have also started "running" with me a few days a week. today they were my cool-down. I decided that after 7.5 miles I wasn't done, so I picked up the puppies and away we went for our 2 miles loop. I thought Napoleon might actually quit on me as I fad to drag him for the first half mile. He made it though.

Now time to shower, finish up some cleaning and then need to cook Easter dinner for Ben's family, my mom and david.

it's not forever, but it's just for tonight

There are moments in my day when I find myself smiling for no reason other than Ben. We certainly have our days when we can't seem to figure anything out- nothing we do makes the other person happy, but we always seem to figure things out.

Other areas of life are ok. My shin feels great one day and hurts more than being stabbed the next. But I am putting more miles on each week and I guess I can't ask for more than that.

Vacation this week, so I guess it means work is good. I am hoping that when we head back things will stay on the up and up!

It seems as though it has been forever since I last wrote... but I guess I haven't had a lot to say... I think I am just living life and doing the best I can to hang on to my sanity, make it through the school day and figure out how to balance taking care of someone else and taking care of myself. Why is it that your own needs seem to get pushed under the carpet when life gets busy?

Things at school are hectic and frequently I feel under-appreciated, unsupported and simply taken advantage of. The moments of feeling good and feeling like I am making a difference in the kiddo's lives. I used to know that I was, now... I question what difference I am making at all.

The puppies are good- Kenobi is getting so BIG. He has discovered that the best way to get me up in the morning is to repeatedly hit me in the face with his nose. If he doesn't get the response he wants, he takes it upon himself to find a way to crawl under the covers and give kisses until I get up. This all sounds wonderfully cute- just wish he would wait until after 4 am to do it! And who needs toys when you have a bathtub? Kenobi favorite game is to climb into the tub and chill. There have been moments where I am searching for the dog and then I hear the clicking of his nails on the tub... yup, there he is just chillin in the tub. Napoleon is silly- he wiggles and has not realized that he is tiny in comparison and still tries to muscle his "brute" strength to get what he wants.

On the BF front... things are good. We have our moments of struggling to understand each other, but as long as we keep talking and listening- we must be on the right track. he makes me laugh... and has made me cry, but i honestly believe it has never been intentional.

Running sucks- shin splints suck. I am running only a couple days a week and my distances aren't very far- but i have to rebuild in order to not have the shin splints come back. it blows though!

well- there's the quick version of life as i know it.