I think it is important to realize that one persons actions can hurt someone else. I think it is important to realize that even words, spoken or written can devastate someone. I am tired. I am tired of the game. I don't have any fight left. I am not sure what to do with the information I have or if it is honestly even worth trying to understand.
I think it's best to not react until I have more information... i better not get lies.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
put me in coach... i am ready to play
It seems that a little outside perspective is important to our running. Ben got his first birthday present yesterday... individual coaching. It was pretty cool to hear that I know what i am talking about and that I have developed a valid training program... and actually at some points we have been training too hard! I love being told to pull back and do less. that is awesome!
Today's big event is boot... heaven forbid we skip that. He has no idea that we are going to make our own sushi before hand.... tomorrow? can we say hot tub? And then thursday is dinner our. Friday Hussey gets here and then Saturday is the big trip to the old port. phew... birthday weeks are HARD!
He has been very sweet recently... perhaps starting to realize how much there is between us. I love seeing his sweet and vulnerable side.
As for me? I am good. I am tired, but am pretty caught up on my school stuff and think the rest of the quarter will go smoothly. I have to sign up for the Praxis II if I want to go back to the SAD 6 next year. So that is weighing heavily on me right now.
Today's big event is boot... heaven forbid we skip that. He has no idea that we are going to make our own sushi before hand.... tomorrow? can we say hot tub? And then thursday is dinner our. Friday Hussey gets here and then Saturday is the big trip to the old port. phew... birthday weeks are HARD!
He has been very sweet recently... perhaps starting to realize how much there is between us. I love seeing his sweet and vulnerable side.
As for me? I am good. I am tired, but am pretty caught up on my school stuff and think the rest of the quarter will go smoothly. I have to sign up for the Praxis II if I want to go back to the SAD 6 next year. So that is weighing heavily on me right now.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Ok, kind of sad, but I was up early and took a few of the facebook quizzes... hmmm. are these acurate?
Kaity took What does your birthday say about you? quiz and the result is July
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood.Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets.Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying
Kaity took Which Barbie are you? quiz and the result is Cheerleader Barbie
You are the most spirited Barbie. Whenever there is a football game, you're there to cheer the team on! Everyone wants to be your friend, Miss Popular!
Kaity took what are you born to do? quiz and the result is hero
now we are not talkin bout becomin a super hero... but you were born to help others and put others infornt of your needs. you are caring and that is your biggest strength you will do really well in those field where you have to help others like social worker or doctor...options are many.
Kaity took What does your birthday say about you? quiz and the result is July
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood.Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets.Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying
Kaity took Which Barbie are you? quiz and the result is Cheerleader Barbie
You are the most spirited Barbie. Whenever there is a football game, you're there to cheer the team on! Everyone wants to be your friend, Miss Popular!
Kaity took what are you born to do? quiz and the result is hero
now we are not talkin bout becomin a super hero... but you were born to help others and put others infornt of your needs. you are caring and that is your biggest strength you will do really well in those field where you have to help others like social worker or doctor...options are many.
Friday, March 20, 2009
everyone's birthday
It seems that today is the day for everyone have a birthday... three of my favorite people celebrated their birthdays today... so happy b-day to each of you!
i ran a quick 3.5 today and then stretched out... the short run was nice. it just means though that there is a long run coming... everyone say their prayers on sunday- 28 miles. i am really hoping that it will be nice enough to be outside, but who knows! it seems that this whole marathon thing can't come soon enough. i want to know that this training has paid off and that i can do this.
things with ben? i am going to say guys are just dumb and they really don't get girls at all. we are getting along fine, i just am not feeling like he understands me. we have not had the conversation about our living situation, although we need to soon.
i ran a quick 3.5 today and then stretched out... the short run was nice. it just means though that there is a long run coming... everyone say their prayers on sunday- 28 miles. i am really hoping that it will be nice enough to be outside, but who knows! it seems that this whole marathon thing can't come soon enough. i want to know that this training has paid off and that i can do this.
things with ben? i am going to say guys are just dumb and they really don't get girls at all. we are getting along fine, i just am not feeling like he understands me. we have not had the conversation about our living situation, although we need to soon.
Monday, March 16, 2009
lsd run... long, slow, distant
I mean really? Our LSD run today turned into 8:20 splits. I dont' think Ben and I can run slow together. I think that we are both far too competitive. That probably why Uno and Skippo and other card games don't work well for the two of us. That and I always beat him!! haha.
It seems that recently I have been questioning myself and about my ability to be in a relationship. When did this self-doubt creep into my world? I used to be amazingly confident. Nothing rattled me... but now, it seems that even the smallest thing can send me into an emotional spiral. I am not sure how to stop the spiral once it has started and I have never depended on someone else to help me slow the spin and regain control. And everyone knows how much I love not being in control.
I am not sure if I need to "find" myself again or what. But I am not sure I am good at relying on someone else.
The thing I can count on is definitely my running. I went out today- yes, outside and ran the hell out of the 5 miles. Not a very long distance, but it felt good. I needed to run just enough to work all the junk out of my muscles from yesterday and then stretch out. I think I am going to change my running schedule.. I need more miles in my world. mmm... maybe then i can loose the last 7 pounds that i can't seem to shake!
It seems that recently I have been questioning myself and about my ability to be in a relationship. When did this self-doubt creep into my world? I used to be amazingly confident. Nothing rattled me... but now, it seems that even the smallest thing can send me into an emotional spiral. I am not sure how to stop the spiral once it has started and I have never depended on someone else to help me slow the spin and regain control. And everyone knows how much I love not being in control.
I am not sure if I need to "find" myself again or what. But I am not sure I am good at relying on someone else.
The thing I can count on is definitely my running. I went out today- yes, outside and ran the hell out of the 5 miles. Not a very long distance, but it felt good. I needed to run just enough to work all the junk out of my muscles from yesterday and then stretch out. I think I am going to change my running schedule.. I need more miles in my world. mmm... maybe then i can loose the last 7 pounds that i can't seem to shake!
Sunday, March 15, 2009
13.1 gets a little easier every time
I decided around mile 10 that I must be crazy to continuously sign up for these races when there is nothing fun about running 13.1 miles. Mile 3 had an enormous hill and mile 8 was absolutely up hill the entire mile... no jokes, if you had put a match box car at the end of mile 8 it would have rolled to at least mile 7. I would like to say that outdoor running is far easier than treadmill running, but today the hills certainly kicked my butt. I did drop a few seconds (6 per mile to be exact) off my last half marathon time, but i feel like i should have done better. I am running another in 3 weeks... so maybe I can get under 1:45 on that one. I ran a 1:47 today. 2 minutes doesn't sound like much, but in the moment it is... that's almost 10 seconds faster a mile. It will mean I live running for the next three weeks. At least Ben will be living it with me... as I know he has no desire for me to beat him again.
On the Ben front... things are good. There is another frisbee tournament in June that he was invited to... Jess isn't on the list at this point, but I am sure she will end up there. He didn't invite me even though there aren't enough girls. I know I am not that good, but I can't get better without practice and at this time of year the only place to practice is to go to tournaments... catch 22, huh? I need to not stress about this so early- things will work out.
I am going to try and talk to him about our living situation. If he isn't going to move in, I need to find a roommate. The other night mid "discussion" he said that maybe he should start spending the night at his house, then maybe we would sleep better... in that moment I knew I wanted him to move in... no doubt in my mind I want him here- for all the right reasons. I am not saying it would be perfect, but I don't need perfect, I just need him.
On the Ben front... things are good. There is another frisbee tournament in June that he was invited to... Jess isn't on the list at this point, but I am sure she will end up there. He didn't invite me even though there aren't enough girls. I know I am not that good, but I can't get better without practice and at this time of year the only place to practice is to go to tournaments... catch 22, huh? I need to not stress about this so early- things will work out.
I am going to try and talk to him about our living situation. If he isn't going to move in, I need to find a roommate. The other night mid "discussion" he said that maybe he should start spending the night at his house, then maybe we would sleep better... in that moment I knew I wanted him to move in... no doubt in my mind I want him here- for all the right reasons. I am not saying it would be perfect, but I don't need perfect, I just need him.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Saturdays... used to be my time to get up earlier than Ben and putter around the house. Nope, not this morning. Ben was up shortly after me. Ahhh... And actually I shouldn't complain because he woke up in a much better mood today then he was in yesterday.
He has been sick the past couple days and oh boy he is so less then pleasant when he doesn't feel good. When he wants something he wants it in that moment. Phew, i am tired! I ended up in bed last night at 10~ yikes who ever would have thought me in bed at 10 on a friday night?! I guess it comes with the whole spending all my time with one person.
We are leaving for New Bedford today... we have a half marathon tomorrow. I am physically ready for it, but certainly not mentally prepared for it. I know I can run the distance, that isn't the problem... I just don't want to. I know I need to, but I have no desire to actually do it!
We have been circling around our living situation for a couple days now... I don't know what I want. I do know that it doesn't make sense for us to be paying rent and utilities at two places when we are always at 1. I don't know if that's enough reason though to move in together. Shouldn't it be about want and desire and not being about to get enough of each other, which I think everyone else would say that is where we are too... and we probably are, but admitting it to him? That seems significantly scary!
Well... keep your fingers crossed tonight and tomorrow go well.
He has been sick the past couple days and oh boy he is so less then pleasant when he doesn't feel good. When he wants something he wants it in that moment. Phew, i am tired! I ended up in bed last night at 10~ yikes who ever would have thought me in bed at 10 on a friday night?! I guess it comes with the whole spending all my time with one person.
We are leaving for New Bedford today... we have a half marathon tomorrow. I am physically ready for it, but certainly not mentally prepared for it. I know I can run the distance, that isn't the problem... I just don't want to. I know I need to, but I have no desire to actually do it!
We have been circling around our living situation for a couple days now... I don't know what I want. I do know that it doesn't make sense for us to be paying rent and utilities at two places when we are always at 1. I don't know if that's enough reason though to move in together. Shouldn't it be about want and desire and not being about to get enough of each other, which I think everyone else would say that is where we are too... and we probably are, but admitting it to him? That seems significantly scary!
Well... keep your fingers crossed tonight and tomorrow go well.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
smooth sailing
I am sitting on the couch watching the celtics game with ben and realized that things are good. He came home from the tournament on Sunday and was super affectionate and clearly missed me. I know at times I can be demanding and require attention, but what girls isn't and doesn't? He has been sweet for the last three days and I am thinking it may have to do with the fact that he doesn't like to be away from me... so perhaps him going without me to orono was good for him to be reminded that he likes having me around and i am not just a convenience.
Boot last night was fun... I played on a couple different teams that shouldn't have been good, but we ended up winning 2 or 3 games in a row. that always makes the night more fun. my legs were beat by the end though... running before boot creates lots of tired quick twitch muscles!!
I think I played nice long enough that the girls have realised that I am not actually a bitch and that there are qualities to me that they might even like. One of the girls even asked ben and i to have dinner with her and her husband... what's this? making friends with other couples? craziness i tell you. surprisingly, ben was perfectly ok with it.
school has gotten crazy... we had a riverview issue this week and there is a chance that the program will be cancelled. it's too bad really, i think the qualities the kids are learning (even if they don't know they are becoming better people because of their participation). I offered to facilitate until the district sorts out what we are going to do. I know I swore I would do nothing extra for the district, but it's for the kids and no matter how much I have been hurt by the district, I am here for the kids and their best interest... even if that means going back on my word.
Boot last night was fun... I played on a couple different teams that shouldn't have been good, but we ended up winning 2 or 3 games in a row. that always makes the night more fun. my legs were beat by the end though... running before boot creates lots of tired quick twitch muscles!!
I think I played nice long enough that the girls have realised that I am not actually a bitch and that there are qualities to me that they might even like. One of the girls even asked ben and i to have dinner with her and her husband... what's this? making friends with other couples? craziness i tell you. surprisingly, ben was perfectly ok with it.
school has gotten crazy... we had a riverview issue this week and there is a chance that the program will be cancelled. it's too bad really, i think the qualities the kids are learning (even if they don't know they are becoming better people because of their participation). I offered to facilitate until the district sorts out what we are going to do. I know I swore I would do nothing extra for the district, but it's for the kids and no matter how much I have been hurt by the district, I am here for the kids and their best interest... even if that means going back on my word.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
outside paradise
I think that there are days when life makes sense and other days it doesn't. I woke up this morning disappointed that although i did talk to ben yesterday while he was gone, he didn't call before he went to bed and still hasn't called today. and yes, i did call him earlier this afternoon. although if he had called last night it might have been an interesting conversation- i was at platinum. oops. i might be the only girl out there who goes there when her boyfriend is out of town. pretty sure it's usually the other way around. oh well... i never really play by the rules.
i discovered dill pickle pringles this weekend. can you say amazing? yum yum! i think i found a new favorite food!
i have a half marathon next weekend, so running outside today was fabulous. i was excited to run, didn't get bored and got to stretch outside when i was finished. does it get better than that? a 55 degree day happened at just the right moment- i was beginning to loose my interest in the gym resulting in me not getting full workouts in. and i am not dumb, i know that we will have more cold days and i will be right back in the gym, but sneaking in a day or two outside when i can is like going on vacation for an hour!
i can't wait for ben to get back... hopefully he'll back before it gets too late to do anything!
i discovered dill pickle pringles this weekend. can you say amazing? yum yum! i think i found a new favorite food!
i have a half marathon next weekend, so running outside today was fabulous. i was excited to run, didn't get bored and got to stretch outside when i was finished. does it get better than that? a 55 degree day happened at just the right moment- i was beginning to loose my interest in the gym resulting in me not getting full workouts in. and i am not dumb, i know that we will have more cold days and i will be right back in the gym, but sneaking in a day or two outside when i can is like going on vacation for an hour!
i can't wait for ben to get back... hopefully he'll back before it gets too late to do anything!
Saturday, March 7, 2009
i will survive
ok... Saturday night and i am home- ALONE. this stinks! I guess I could have made plans, but it's been so long since I needed to, that I just didn't.
So, tournament update: Jess didn't end up going. So all that stress and anxiety for nothing. I am hoping though that maybe when Ben gets back he will be ready to figure out some boundaries and she won't be an issue any longer.
today... hmm... i was up way early and shopped with Jen. I am basically not sure what i would do without her some days. she kept me busy all morning and let me vent when i needed to and let me know i wasn't crazy. sometimes i think that i am so sucked into ben's world that i forget my opinion is just as important and valid as his is. she keeps me grounded.
definitely got some cute stuff today- nothing for ben's birthday and no cleats for me, but still had a really great time. i need to get out of the house tomorrow too... meeting woman for breakfast (maybe she take me grocery shopping too!) and then who knows. maybe a movie by myself. i am pretty big fan of that!! a chick flick and not having to share armrests... does it get better than that?
anyway- i am hoping he calls before he goes to bed- i can't seem to dial up his number. what is wrong with me?
So, tournament update: Jess didn't end up going. So all that stress and anxiety for nothing. I am hoping though that maybe when Ben gets back he will be ready to figure out some boundaries and she won't be an issue any longer.
today... hmm... i was up way early and shopped with Jen. I am basically not sure what i would do without her some days. she kept me busy all morning and let me vent when i needed to and let me know i wasn't crazy. sometimes i think that i am so sucked into ben's world that i forget my opinion is just as important and valid as his is. she keeps me grounded.
definitely got some cute stuff today- nothing for ben's birthday and no cleats for me, but still had a really great time. i need to get out of the house tomorrow too... meeting woman for breakfast (maybe she take me grocery shopping too!) and then who knows. maybe a movie by myself. i am pretty big fan of that!! a chick flick and not having to share armrests... does it get better than that?
anyway- i am hoping he calls before he goes to bed- i can't seem to dial up his number. what is wrong with me?
Friday, March 6, 2009
the night before
I working really hard at not freaking out about this whole tournament. i still don't think my issue is trusting him- i don't trust her.
i wish i was more secure, but for some reason i am just not. i need to figure this out, because i don't want to stress about this every day... i don't want to be that girl. and no one wants to date "that girl". ben hasn't said anything like he is ready to walk away- i just don't want to turn into the girl that freaks about everything. i mean, in this moment i am level headed, but there is still part of me that hates this is happening.
wish me luck this weekend... i will keep updating.
i wish i was more secure, but for some reason i am just not. i need to figure this out, because i don't want to stress about this every day... i don't want to be that girl. and no one wants to date "that girl". ben hasn't said anything like he is ready to walk away- i just don't want to turn into the girl that freaks about everything. i mean, in this moment i am level headed, but there is still part of me that hates this is happening.
wish me luck this weekend... i will keep updating.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
time is on my side.. yes it is
so my saga continues... last night i find out that not only will ben be gone at a frisbee tournament (yes, missing the celtics game on sunday) but yay- jess will be going too. oh and they will be staying in a hotel together. i do understand that they aren't the only two in the room, but really?
most of you would be proud. i didn't yell, i didn't cry, i didn't even make crazy demands. i just simply said, "how can you expect me to be ok with this? and what are you going to do to make it better?" and then i basically let the issue die. i will give ben credit, he said he would do anything i asked him to do... he wanted me to be more comfortable. i came up with a list of 7 things i needed him to do... one of which was get another hotel room. he agreed... but i think more because there were too many people for one room anyway. he also acknowledged that he knows this is hard for me and although he doesn't see an issue with it, that there must be a problem with it because i don't usually get upset about things.
he and i need to figure out some darn clear boundaries around this triangle we have going on. i know in the end that everything will be fine. he isn't going to be inappropriate with her and that when he comes home on sunday i am the person he wants to come home to. i know that he will miss me and will wish i was there because i am far more fun than anyone else at that silly tournament.
i think him being gone for the weekend will be good for me as well... i think i need to figure out what i want and how i can make that happen. i need to find that independent streak that i seem to have lost recently.
i did have some helpful advice from a few people- which i appreciate more than i can say. so, if anyone is around this weekend... i will be. a chick flick on sunday sounds great. and i am not afraid to go alone!!
most of you would be proud. i didn't yell, i didn't cry, i didn't even make crazy demands. i just simply said, "how can you expect me to be ok with this? and what are you going to do to make it better?" and then i basically let the issue die. i will give ben credit, he said he would do anything i asked him to do... he wanted me to be more comfortable. i came up with a list of 7 things i needed him to do... one of which was get another hotel room. he agreed... but i think more because there were too many people for one room anyway. he also acknowledged that he knows this is hard for me and although he doesn't see an issue with it, that there must be a problem with it because i don't usually get upset about things.
he and i need to figure out some darn clear boundaries around this triangle we have going on. i know in the end that everything will be fine. he isn't going to be inappropriate with her and that when he comes home on sunday i am the person he wants to come home to. i know that he will miss me and will wish i was there because i am far more fun than anyone else at that silly tournament.
i think him being gone for the weekend will be good for me as well... i think i need to figure out what i want and how i can make that happen. i need to find that independent streak that i seem to have lost recently.
i did have some helpful advice from a few people- which i appreciate more than i can say. so, if anyone is around this weekend... i will be. a chick flick on sunday sounds great. and i am not afraid to go alone!!
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
can't get out of my own way
I woke up this morning feeling down. I have no real explanation for this expect that I can't seem to shake the fact that B misses another girl. I don't know why I am having such a hard time with this, but it is weighing heavily upon me.
I think it partly bothers me so much because he does not seem to even understand why i feel this way. He thinks I am being dramatic and insecure. I don't think it has anything to do with being insecure, but rather the opposite. I am secure in myself enough that I am not ok with my boyfriend missing another girl and I can't let it go. I can't roll over and pretend that this doesn't bother me.
If he is missing her, is he really over her? Has he really moved on? Is there still a part of him that wants her? Or have I read far too much into this? Am i being crazy about this?
He told me the other day that I was the coolest girlfriend in almost all things, but not on the issue of her. I guess it would be better to date someone less cool about everything and would freak about this? I don't know any other girl that would still even be here with some of the dumb ex-girlfriend shit he has pulled.
No, I am NOT ok with him spending time with her. I think he is CRAZY for asking me to be ok with it!!
I think it partly bothers me so much because he does not seem to even understand why i feel this way. He thinks I am being dramatic and insecure. I don't think it has anything to do with being insecure, but rather the opposite. I am secure in myself enough that I am not ok with my boyfriend missing another girl and I can't let it go. I can't roll over and pretend that this doesn't bother me.
If he is missing her, is he really over her? Has he really moved on? Is there still a part of him that wants her? Or have I read far too much into this? Am i being crazy about this?
He told me the other day that I was the coolest girlfriend in almost all things, but not on the issue of her. I guess it would be better to date someone less cool about everything and would freak about this? I don't know any other girl that would still even be here with some of the dumb ex-girlfriend shit he has pulled.
No, I am NOT ok with him spending time with her. I think he is CRAZY for asking me to be ok with it!!
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