thank you for today

4 o'clock isn't too early to get up and open presents... Santa had definitely already been to our house, so why did I have to go back to bed? Mmmm... maybe because Ben didn't get the memo that even falling asleep on Christmas Eve was challenging enough, but trying to stay in bed after I have waken up is basically impossible. I did however manage to make it all the way until 6:20 before I dragged him from bed. I am not sure he appreciated getting up that early, but hey, I figure the more time we are up on Christmas the more of the day we get to enjoy, right? And no matter what he says... he did a great job on the stocking. I loved every part of everything he gave me- he even dared to venture and get things not on my list!! Bonus for him- I don't want to exchange ANYTHING! Most common gift in our house? Marathon pictures!

Today went off without a hitch- things went like clock work and I am pretty sure everyone had a fabulous time. Ben and I did a quick stocking exchange first, then my mom came down- and of course she went over board. But how fantastic is she? She came down here to help relieve some of the stress of having people here for dinner and me not being here to help. Ben did an awesome job balancing entertaining and helping in the kitchen and with the dogs... He didn't get lost in his own world at all.

We both got everything we wanted and more, but more importantly, I think the gifts we picked out for everyone else went over extremely well too! I think everyone went home feeling like time, energy and effort were put into the day.

I am hopeful that Ben falls asleep tonight knowing that today he was part of a perfect day... and that today with the help of our families we truly experienced the true meaning of Christmas. The only missing pieces were Chrissy and Will. My love to all tonight... Merry Christmas.

come together... right now

It absolutely redicious. We have played so much Rockband Beatles in the past few weeks, that I find myself waking up with Beatles songs in my head. When I am at the gym, yup Yellow Submarine and that stupid Octopus in the sea song. I think we need another version of the game!

In running world? Things are not going so well... Shin splints SUCK! I need to figure this shit out- cause i am tired of the arc trainer. Enough is enough. I don't know if it's my shoes or what, but I am not running on pavement any more. Any advice?

And then's there Christmas- Ben's fam will be here for Christmas. I can't tell if he is stressed out about it or not, but we are hosting. So keep your fingers crossed and I just found out, you have to cook the potatoes before you try to mash them!

Napoleon and Kenobi have certainly entertained me for the past 2 hours... they find so much mystery and excitement in the simplest things- like a plastic bottle or a piece of cardboard- who knew the could offer so much fun? They absolutely crack me up. Life has definitely gotten much more hectic with 2 puppies in the house, but for some reason it's so much better.

Things with Ben and I are good. There are moments where I sit back and try to figure out how he and I ended up where we are... it just makes me smile, as the road we have taken to get here was fun and exciting and certainly bumpy at times, but so worth it.

time passes... some things just don't

There are moments of my life that I clearly look back on and know that I was not wrong in my feelings and needs. This morning is one of them. This morning I was confronted with an issue that I do not understand. There are certainly situations that I will not back down from. There are standards that I have and cannot compromise. I am not sure if the other party is willing to work together to find a happy medium or this issue will continue to rear it's UGLY head and continue to be allowed to create discontent between us.

The puppies are getting so big... Kenobi has passed Napoleon in weight and height. I think we have a big boy on our hands. He is sweet and loving and has decided that we is a very sincere and sweet cuddlier. He is a bit noisy and has not really gotten on board with sleeping past 5:30- even on Saturdays... outside of these two things he is truly a fabulous addition to our family.

School is insane- I am not sure there is much more to say than that. It is what it is and I have to make a decision about next year soon. I won't lie, I have been checking Serving Schools. But we'll see.

moderation

I don't think I have mastered the art of moderation at this point... if there is something I want, then I go at it full force until I have burned myself out on the desire. I get wrapped up in the all consuming phase of things and stay there until I have had my fix... then move on without a second thought.

Things with Ben are going well... we are working hard at being on the same page on topics and actually talking about the things that are bothering us, rather than acting out passively aggressively towards each other. It's a lot of hard work though... there are moments where I think something so passionately and can't understand why he doesn't see a situation through my eyes. I guess what I am learning is to only hold on to the things that really matter...

Katahdin has beaten me down again! We went over the summer with the intention of climbing, but couldn't because we didn't get there early enough. Ben and I went back another weekend and slept in the back of the subaru and still couldn't climb... apparently 75 mile per winds keep Kaity below tree line. I couldn't even stand... Poor Ben had to do his best to block the wind so I wouldn't topple over.

Two puppies is crazy... I am not sure what we were thinking. They are having fun, but phew, I am beat.

oh good... the season continues

i feel like a bad person... as happy as i am for ben that mogwai made regionals i am equally as frustrated that they made regionals- does that even make sense? i mean, i know this is a step in a life goal for him which is why i am thrilled for him, but i dont understand why he works so hard at making me feel bad about frisbee. sectionals took place this weekend... i asked if he wanted me to come down on sunday to watch... his response, "i think it's in vermont" later when we found out it was about an hour and half away i asked again. his response, "nah, you don't have to". it isn't about having to... the question was about whether or not he wanted me there. why wouldn't he want me there with him? why doesn't he want me to support his dream? why does he want to keep me separate from such a huge part of his life? I know these are questions i need to ask him, but it doesn't seem that he has the time to sit down and answer, really answer my questions. i feel like i am just a roommate... nothing more, nothing less.

when good things happen, he is the one i want to call. when times are difficult he is the person i want to make me feel better. recently it doesn't feel reciprocated- i don't know.

on an up side... baxter and acadia were fun. i forgot how much i like being away from it all and spending time on the trail and sleeping in a tent and not being controlled by cell phones and the internet and these false obligations... we are heading back to baxter this up coming weekend... we will climb katahdin and attempt one more time Knife's Edge. I think if it doesn't work out this time, i am giving up on that trail.

enough

I have had enough... I have had enough of the bullshit that is a part of my life and I am tired of fighting with Ben about it. I have had enough of caring or wanting to protect the relationship that matters so much to me and appears to matter so little to him. i know he cares about me, but when is it going to change? when will he see that his "friendship" with her is weighing us down? When will i not be expected to always be the bigger person in EVERY situation?

I wish he understood why it bothers me... I wish he understood why I care... I wish he understood why he is the only person that thinks his actions are alright.

Napoleon did not get the memo that we didn't need to get up at 5:15 this morning... that does mean plenty of time to get ready for the tournament. I just hope that our team comes ready to play. Our numbers are low, but we are competitive... no one on the villains wants to walk away from a 19-0 season early in the day. Dig deep today... play not as individuals, but as a team... for each other, every point matters as it could be our last.

P-Villa!

you see the smile that is on my mouth

I can hardly believe that it is almost august... I feel like i haven't had a moment of down time this summer. And although that is nice in moments, it certainly has made the time pass far too quickly.

Not to be cliche but life is good. Napoleon might be the top performer in obedience class, pizza villa is undefeated, no issues at ranger camp, long runs are back and being completed and Ben and i are clicking.

i am hoping that eventually the sun will come out and I will be able to have some sort of tan and spend some time actually swimming this summer, but at this point I think i would just take a day or two that I didn't wear jeans and a sweatshirt. i think that is fairly reasonable.

my bump in the road continues to be determining when I have expectations that are too high in regards to ex etiquette and when I am being asked to just except what happens without question or concern. call it women's intuition or gut instinct or paranoia, it doesn't matter... what i know is that at a gut level the situation makes me cringe. and i have to trust that feeling... men base decisions on facts and statistics, women on feelings (i know I am generalizing). no good will come of interactions that involve a particular ex. it has nothing to do with trusting him or believing in him or us... those aren't the issue. i issue arises when boundaries are crossed by the person outside our relationship.

No running today... what's a girl to do? ANYTHING she wants!

So... ben turned in his key today and he has moved completely out of his apartment. Ben, Napoleon and I officially are all living on bridge street and i am surprisingly calm about it. things between us are going really well and we have had very few glitches since the move.

running is a different story. finding time since camp started and napoleon got here is VERY hard. I seem to be cutting my runs short and not really putting full effort into it... this is going to cause a huge problem in the fall. i need to get focused again so i am ready for the marathon. this one is in portland, which you would think would mean some supporters out there... and maybe if i can get my act together a qualifying time for boston. i ran 10 on friday and am planning on running 15 tomorrow.

summer league is going well... undefeated season so far. i am not sure my frisbee skills are improving, but i feel less awkward when i am on the field, so i guess that's a step in the right direction. napoleon is great at the games we have taken him to. he just sits there and chills until we are ready to leave- doesn't bark or whine... and everyone loves him.

t-minus 2 weeks until the birthday. how pumped am i?

a few weeks into it

so... the past two weeks seemed to have pasted in a couple blur. Napoleon, I swear has grown an inch, still undefeated in summer league and school is almost out! Ben and I seem to be sorting out this whole balance of fun, responsibilities and living together. Not to say there haven't been a few rough moments, but I feel like we are both on the same page and want to be there.

School... what a giant CF. I have been careful who I say anything to, as I learned at the beginning of the year you can never really tell who you can trust, but what I can say is WOW and SHIT. It's strange to me that this story has captured everyone's interest. Like there aren't more pressing issues to talk about, although at some point the economy and politics do get tiresome.

Ketcha is going well.. back there for per diem work. We are working a program together today actually- should be fun, grounds and lows and then home to play with the dogs (Morgan is here for the weekend) and then a long run. Must do a long run today because someone came home with ice cream cake last night and that is definitely a weakness of mine!

Napoleon

Bright and early Saturday morning ben left for his frisbee tournament in mass. I was charged with picking up a spastic bundle of puppy on my own. I think I should have taken the moment and realized what I was setting myself up for~ a bunch of time with a puppy and no sign of ben. i am trying to be understanding and patient. i am trying to remember that the first time i got a dog i was so young and my parents really did all the "taking care of"... I am trying to not get upset that my life has been put on hold while his continues as if nothing has changed. clearly adding a puppy to the mix complicates things and sacrifices need to be made and it will take time to adjust to these such sacrifices, but don't want to be the only one home, the only one not getting in the run i wanted to or taking an extremely quick shower as to not leave the dog alone too long.

Napoleon is cute though... he tries to run and tumbles over doing somersaults and sideways falls. he attempts to climb onto things, but his little legs just aren't quite long enough for that yet. he has no fear of other dogs and doesn't realize that he is SO much smaller than all the dogs he has met. he loves to give kisses, but always seems to sneak in a quick bite or two on your ear or any other body part that will holding still while he is close. he jumps onto all his new discoveries with a curiosity that makes me laugh out loud. he is certainly entertaining. and i adore him.

ben and i are good... not that we don't have our moments of getting on each other's nerves, but we are sorting these things out. i have come to a realization that no matter how many times I try to explain why something makes me uncomfortable or upsets me, if he doesn't agree with he is never going to see my side. i find myself selecting my words carefully so when we do talk about an issue we can stay on task and not get side tracked and end up apologizing for something that I really don't need to apologize for. i think he has caught onto the witch craft and trickory of turning the table. i wouldn't change him for the world. he challenges me, and at times i think the easy road would well, be easier, i don't think in the end i could truly love someone that didn't make me think about my actions and words. he has a soft side that not many get to see and i adore him even more when he shows that side to me. i hold those moments close to my heart.

summer is almost here and summer league has started... i am not good at this game and it speaks to every insecurity that i have, but i keep trying. and i guess no one can ask more of me than that. it's almost time to get serious about training for the maine marathon. my goal- qualify for boston. that means a lot of hard work and sacrifices, but in the end completely worth it.

keep your fingers crossed... game tomorrow. 6:30 at Waynewright field if you are interested.

in times of change

So much has happened in the past few weeks... it seems crazy. Ben is moving in this week, summer league started, marathon was last weekend and i think we found a puppy.

We have had many conversations about what it means to live together and to have a puppy and how things will change, but some things will remain the same. it isn't about asking permission or needing approval, it's about being respectful of the other person's time and obligations and making decision for us. There have been moments of nervousness and moments of anxiety, but in the end I feel from the bottom of my hear that we are ready for this move. (which is probably a good thing since it's happening). I think there will tough moments, but at the end of the day we will work through them-

On the marathon front... freakin awesome! I loved it. I mean during the race there were moments when I thought death would be better, but I have never felt the sense of accomplishment that I felt when I crossed the finish line. I am addicted. I can't wait to run another!!

tattoo on my soul

There are moments of "what could have been" and "what ifs" in everyone's world. Today, I got a phone call that broke my heart. My heart is breaking, because a friendship that I hold very close is going to change.

I am the the "other girl" in someones relationship without even realizing it. Our bi-monthly phone calls and random yearly visits have caused enough chaos and confusion for another woman that he has been asked to not talk to me any longer. I never wanted to cause doubt or someone to feel insecure or unloved.

I acted innocently and I caused pain. My heart breaks not me, but for him. He didn't understand the hurt he was causing by continuing the friendship unchanged with me. My heart breaks for him because he didn't see that she was valid in her feelings and that by not changing his actions he lost the woman he was meant to be with.

I feel angry at myself for not seeing that and for not removing myself from the situation. I am a better friend than to allow hurt to continue while I do nothing. I can only imagine the resentment that has been festering for the past two years.

I am sympathetic to the girl because I know how it feels to not understand why the person you loves insists on keeping in touch with someone that is only causing turmoil between the two of you. I am hurting because I never stopped to find out how she felt about him and I continuing our friendship. I ache because if she had been willing to get to know me, she would have understood that we interact like a brother and sister, nothing more.

My heart is breaking because there is nothing I can do... someone close to me has lost the person they were made to grow old with because of me. How do two people move forward? How do I continue a friendship that has had so many sacrifices made on my behalf?

Mine is not the name tattooed on his soul... and his is not on mine.

it's been awhile

although it has been awhile, i think it's important to point out i have busy... it doesn't mean that things haven't been running through my head at a million miles an hour, but i haven't found the down time to write anything that i have been feeling down.

recently it seems that i have become accustom to taking care of someone else. i certainly adore ben... let's be honest.... i love him, but when did i become someone who truly is content with taking care of someone else? does that make me sound resentful, because i absolutely am not. i want ben to be happy and to know that i care about him enough that i am willing, even happy to do things for him (that i obviously know he can do for himself). does that mean i am growing up? i am not asking for anything in return?

i was questioned tonight about why we are moving in together. i found this to be relatively funny.... possibly amusing. why does anyone move in with someone? my response to this question... we care about each other, we want to know that every night we will lay down and fall asleep next to each other, we know that there is no one else we would rather bicker with, there is no one i would rather wake up next to. he is my rock, the person i count on. i think so many times i reach out and complain about him, but honestly, he is a good guy... he cares and i know he does even if he doesn't always show it. i know that he loves me and when it comes down to it, he would do anything for me.

there should be no doubters out there... ben and i are stronger than most think. we compliment each other in ways that no one understands. he keeps me grounded, he is a point of reference. he can say to me that i am being ridiculous without it hurting my feelings... he is the person i want. he makes me better... so please stop doubting. please stop thinking i am making a mistake. i am more sure of this than anything else... i may get nervous and i may get scared, but you are talking about moving in together and that's a big deal... it doesn't matter how old we are... or how long we have been together. if we are ok with it, then that is what matters.

Phew... I can't believe that vacation is almost over. I feel like I haven't gotten done everything I wanted to, but at the same time, I feel well rested (well, outside of my legs).

Monday was awesome... The marathon was fun. Man those elite athletes are in crazy good shape. I guess I shouldn't be so surprised, but holy crap! I think I have lots of work to do. I only need to lose another 10 pounds, find a sponsor so I can quit my job and live running 24/7 and I could be that good too. We had fun though. It was a long walk to get to the gear store- all the side roads near the shoot were closed, so it was a big loop around the actual finish line. Fire and Ice baby for lunch!! and then we headed into the Garden for game 2. At although our seats were as high as you can get, we watched an amazing game. Can we give Allen a big shout out for his game winner? Cause basically he is amazing. I definitely slept the entire way home on the train. I love that I can sleep any where I want.

So, I played in a pick-up game (frisbee) last night. I am terrible. I am not sure though I can get any better unless I keep playing. I need play slowed down and probably playing in a situation where others are learning and others want to stop and explain or give directions... tell me where to go. I was told last night that I will be cut if I can't hold my own. nice. here i am trying something totally out of my comfort zone with people i don't know where everyone is significantly better than me- ahh... i just need some patience and some practice time.

dog front... it looks like german shepard is winning... just makes me nervous.

Big Boston day tomorrow

Ok, so I am officially on vacation... there are certainly some benefits to this, however it does take me off my normal routine. Tomorrow we are headed to Boston to WATCH the marathon and the chilling until we head into Game 2. Our seats aren't great, but they were cheap and everyone loves play-off basketball. I am thinking it's going to be a long day though.

Did another long run today... I am not sure i like mixing speed into my runs that are longer than 10 miles. I have to faith in coach mike that he knows what he is talking about... I feel less ready today than I did a month ago. I am sure I am not, but my legs haven't been clued in yet. My mileage is definitely up- looking at around 35 a week... I was doing around 25. Is it terrible that I am dying to taper?

Fairly big development in the Ben and Kaity situation... we have talked about moving in together and in February it was NO WAY. We didn't talk about it other than in passing in March. April though- i brought up that I needed a roommate and we started talking about we are together all the time anyway... it would be cheaper... blah, blah... we decided we would live together (at bridge street or high street). I clearly was pushing for Bridge Street (I hate moving), but understood where he was coming from. Moving in with a girlfriend is a BIG deal, leaving friends behind is a BIG deal... we were hanging out and he announced that he would move into Bridge Street. I am glad now that i didn't push too much and let him process things on his own. Now we are trying to decide if we get a dog... I want one so badly... I want a cute little puppy... I am thinking a lab or a german shorthaired pointer... he is thinking german shepard. My only issue with german shepards are they are HUGE and they are really ugly when they are old. So, I guess we'll see.

Summer league has also been decided... Toby (the captain coordinator) said that Ben and Jess cannot captain together. I am glad that someone else got to make that decision... took the pressure off me. Phew- I think with recent developments though I would have been fine with it. She and I still need to figure out how to be able to be in the same place.

School- can we say VACATION! and it couldn't have come at a better time.

I am reading "the Shack" right now... interesting story. It's about a family who's daughter is kidnapped and murdered and the families struggle to maintain their relationship with God. It's interesting to spend most my reading time about faith and the relationship between Jesus, God and the holy spirit. I think I need to go back and reread the bible. anyone else read this?

not sure how to feel about saturday

Ever feel like you should be upset about something, but you just aren't? that is how I am feeling about tomorrow. I mean, I know Ben is meeting up with Jess for coffee, but i just don't care. I would be lieing if i said I wasn't weirded out, but I am certainly not mad about it. I am so over the drama and the stress of it. what will be will be. That isn't to say that I don't give a shit if this begins to happen regularly or if they decide that co-captaining is the way to go for summer league- actually I am not sure how I will react. My gut says I will have melt down... I am hoping that I am together enough that I will handle it maturely. Guess we'll see. Ideally, Ben will just opt not to do this and it won't be an issue.

Running is going well... we ran today for 63 minutes and I felt great. My legs are getting used to the miles... 40 this week in 5 days. I think it will be closer to 50 next week. I just need the rest of my body to catch up with the increase. I have been ridiculously tired this week (to the point on whinny one day and tears on another).

I cannot wait for vacation... nothing too exciting happening, but just to have a week off from school sounds great~ sleeping in... sleeping in... sleeping in... then only 8 weeks of school left!

so... we finally had the talk. round one didn't go so well. and not in the we fought about it not so well... but in the didn't go so well in the nope we aren't going to live together sense. since i couldn't understand how he could flip-flop so quickly i kept asking questions. apparently that isn't the way to actually get information. so i tried another tactic... i went the quiet route. i waited... i held off with my wise comments and snarkiness... and strange, he was willing to discuss it further. i don't want to seem pushy about this, but it keeps coming up in round about ways and i think it needs to just needed to be discussed.

the bottom line? he wants to live with me... but isn't sure he is ready to move into a place (bridge street) that if something goes wrong he has to go. i get this... i don't blame him. this is clearly my house... not his. and although i would never send him packing without a place to live, i understand that concern.

he made two suggestions... 1. i move into high street or 2. we have someone else move into bridge street with us. the down side to high street is we loose laundry, off street parking, backyard and the ability to have a dog. oh and it would be like $50 more a month for me. moving someone else in here... the down side is having someone else here. so we will see. as long as we are both on the same page that we want to be together, i guess that is what matters.

it will be interesting what happens next. i gave him a time line for when i needed to know and when if we weren't going to move in together when I would need a roommate by...

rowed today instead of going for a run... my arms HURT!

sunday, sunday

I have been thinking a lot about life recently and trying to sort out what makes me genuinely happy and what makes me happy in the moment. if anyone has answers, i surely welcome them.

I find it hard to believe that a year has passed since this whole ben and i situation began... and i know technically it has been longer than a year, but really only a year of caring about each other as more than the drunkin stagger home. It will be interesting to see what happens as the weather gets nicer and we want to be outside more often with things to do. I don't want to start staying at his house again. I don't want to live out of my car or a bag or a pile of clothes in his room. I don't want to smush into a twin size bed on High Street. He however is going back and forth on us living in Westbrook. I think he wants to, correction, i know he wants to, but living together is a big deal and he has never lived with a girlfriend before... so I am not sure how that will play out. I think once he realizes that if he goes back to Portland, I won't be there with him it will change his mind to thinking that moving in here is absolutely what he wants.

I have a long run today... Coach Mike's workouts have really started to pick up. Our speed workout on Thursday was a killer... today we are running 2.5 hours (which is less than I have been running on my long runs) but this time we run at an easy pace for 45, threshold for 15, easy for 45, threshold for 15 and then finish with an easy 15 minutes. I think the threshold parts are going to kill me. (easy, fast, easy, fast, easy- for clarification). Keep your fingers crossed. The good news, is we are going to run outside!! so... at least we will do this together. And there will be no quitting on each other. We had a very long talk about that after the last long run. We are a team until the gun goes off in Vermont... I think we need t-shirts... who's wants one?

happy birthday

So... it's been a while, but things have been good and although everyone likes to read the more exciting events that are created from drama, i figured I should stop in and write about how things are positive.

Ben's birthday was last weekend.... it was fun. We did lots of things that we don't usually get to do and he loved all his surprises- the presents, the people, the nights out. I am fairly excited though that things are back to normal and that he had a great day. I did however, at one point decide it was a good idea to stop and cry in the middle of the street because i had drank FAR too much!

He was sweet and dragged me home and then we headed to bed... in which he said, for the first time, that he loves me. he and I aren't the mushy gushy type, so it basically surprised me and i will be honest, it made me smile.

big girls don't cry

I think it is important to realize that one persons actions can hurt someone else. I think it is important to realize that even words, spoken or written can devastate someone. I am tired. I am tired of the game. I don't have any fight left. I am not sure what to do with the information I have or if it is honestly even worth trying to understand.

I think it's best to not react until I have more information... i better not get lies.

put me in coach... i am ready to play

It seems that a little outside perspective is important to our running. Ben got his first birthday present yesterday... individual coaching. It was pretty cool to hear that I know what i am talking about and that I have developed a valid training program... and actually at some points we have been training too hard! I love being told to pull back and do less. that is awesome!

Today's big event is boot... heaven forbid we skip that. He has no idea that we are going to make our own sushi before hand.... tomorrow? can we say hot tub? And then thursday is dinner our. Friday Hussey gets here and then Saturday is the big trip to the old port. phew... birthday weeks are HARD!

He has been very sweet recently... perhaps starting to realize how much there is between us. I love seeing his sweet and vulnerable side.

As for me? I am good. I am tired, but am pretty caught up on my school stuff and think the rest of the quarter will go smoothly. I have to sign up for the Praxis II if I want to go back to the SAD 6 next year. So that is weighing heavily on me right now.

Ok, kind of sad, but I was up early and took a few of the facebook quizzes... hmmm. are these acurate?

Kaity took What does your birthday say about you? quiz and the result is July
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood.Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets.Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying

Kaity took Which Barbie are you? quiz and the result is Cheerleader Barbie
You are the most spirited Barbie. Whenever there is a football game, you're there to cheer the team on! Everyone wants to be your friend, Miss Popular!

Kaity took what are you born to do? quiz and the result is hero
now we are not talkin bout becomin a super hero... but you were born to help others and put others infornt of your needs. you are caring and that is your biggest strength you will do really well in those field where you have to help others like social worker or doctor...options are many.

everyone's birthday

It seems that today is the day for everyone have a birthday... three of my favorite people celebrated their birthdays today... so happy b-day to each of you!

i ran a quick 3.5 today and then stretched out... the short run was nice. it just means though that there is a long run coming... everyone say their prayers on sunday- 28 miles. i am really hoping that it will be nice enough to be outside, but who knows! it seems that this whole marathon thing can't come soon enough. i want to know that this training has paid off and that i can do this.

things with ben? i am going to say guys are just dumb and they really don't get girls at all. we are getting along fine, i just am not feeling like he understands me. we have not had the conversation about our living situation, although we need to soon.

lsd run... long, slow, distant

I mean really? Our LSD run today turned into 8:20 splits. I dont' think Ben and I can run slow together. I think that we are both far too competitive. That probably why Uno and Skippo and other card games don't work well for the two of us. That and I always beat him!! haha.

It seems that recently I have been questioning myself and about my ability to be in a relationship. When did this self-doubt creep into my world? I used to be amazingly confident. Nothing rattled me... but now, it seems that even the smallest thing can send me into an emotional spiral. I am not sure how to stop the spiral once it has started and I have never depended on someone else to help me slow the spin and regain control. And everyone knows how much I love not being in control.

I am not sure if I need to "find" myself again or what. But I am not sure I am good at relying on someone else.

The thing I can count on is definitely my running. I went out today- yes, outside and ran the hell out of the 5 miles. Not a very long distance, but it felt good. I needed to run just enough to work all the junk out of my muscles from yesterday and then stretch out. I think I am going to change my running schedule.. I need more miles in my world. mmm... maybe then i can loose the last 7 pounds that i can't seem to shake!

13.1 gets a little easier every time

I decided around mile 10 that I must be crazy to continuously sign up for these races when there is nothing fun about running 13.1 miles. Mile 3 had an enormous hill and mile 8 was absolutely up hill the entire mile... no jokes, if you had put a match box car at the end of mile 8 it would have rolled to at least mile 7. I would like to say that outdoor running is far easier than treadmill running, but today the hills certainly kicked my butt. I did drop a few seconds (6 per mile to be exact) off my last half marathon time, but i feel like i should have done better. I am running another in 3 weeks... so maybe I can get under 1:45 on that one. I ran a 1:47 today. 2 minutes doesn't sound like much, but in the moment it is... that's almost 10 seconds faster a mile. It will mean I live running for the next three weeks. At least Ben will be living it with me... as I know he has no desire for me to beat him again.

On the Ben front... things are good. There is another frisbee tournament in June that he was invited to... Jess isn't on the list at this point, but I am sure she will end up there. He didn't invite me even though there aren't enough girls. I know I am not that good, but I can't get better without practice and at this time of year the only place to practice is to go to tournaments... catch 22, huh? I need to not stress about this so early- things will work out.

I am going to try and talk to him about our living situation. If he isn't going to move in, I need to find a roommate. The other night mid "discussion" he said that maybe he should start spending the night at his house, then maybe we would sleep better... in that moment I knew I wanted him to move in... no doubt in my mind I want him here- for all the right reasons. I am not saying it would be perfect, but I don't need perfect, I just need him.

Saturdays... used to be my time to get up earlier than Ben and putter around the house. Nope, not this morning. Ben was up shortly after me. Ahhh... And actually I shouldn't complain because he woke up in a much better mood today then he was in yesterday.

He has been sick the past couple days and oh boy he is so less then pleasant when he doesn't feel good. When he wants something he wants it in that moment. Phew, i am tired! I ended up in bed last night at 10~ yikes who ever would have thought me in bed at 10 on a friday night?! I guess it comes with the whole spending all my time with one person.

We are leaving for New Bedford today... we have a half marathon tomorrow. I am physically ready for it, but certainly not mentally prepared for it. I know I can run the distance, that isn't the problem... I just don't want to. I know I need to, but I have no desire to actually do it!

We have been circling around our living situation for a couple days now... I don't know what I want. I do know that it doesn't make sense for us to be paying rent and utilities at two places when we are always at 1. I don't know if that's enough reason though to move in together. Shouldn't it be about want and desire and not being about to get enough of each other, which I think everyone else would say that is where we are too... and we probably are, but admitting it to him? That seems significantly scary!

Well... keep your fingers crossed tonight and tomorrow go well.

smooth sailing

I am sitting on the couch watching the celtics game with ben and realized that things are good. He came home from the tournament on Sunday and was super affectionate and clearly missed me. I know at times I can be demanding and require attention, but what girls isn't and doesn't? He has been sweet for the last three days and I am thinking it may have to do with the fact that he doesn't like to be away from me... so perhaps him going without me to orono was good for him to be reminded that he likes having me around and i am not just a convenience.

Boot last night was fun... I played on a couple different teams that shouldn't have been good, but we ended up winning 2 or 3 games in a row. that always makes the night more fun. my legs were beat by the end though... running before boot creates lots of tired quick twitch muscles!!

I think I played nice long enough that the girls have realised that I am not actually a bitch and that there are qualities to me that they might even like. One of the girls even asked ben and i to have dinner with her and her husband... what's this? making friends with other couples? craziness i tell you. surprisingly, ben was perfectly ok with it.

school has gotten crazy... we had a riverview issue this week and there is a chance that the program will be cancelled. it's too bad really, i think the qualities the kids are learning (even if they don't know they are becoming better people because of their participation). I offered to facilitate until the district sorts out what we are going to do. I know I swore I would do nothing extra for the district, but it's for the kids and no matter how much I have been hurt by the district, I am here for the kids and their best interest... even if that means going back on my word.

outside paradise

I think that there are days when life makes sense and other days it doesn't. I woke up this morning disappointed that although i did talk to ben yesterday while he was gone, he didn't call before he went to bed and still hasn't called today. and yes, i did call him earlier this afternoon. although if he had called last night it might have been an interesting conversation- i was at platinum. oops. i might be the only girl out there who goes there when her boyfriend is out of town. pretty sure it's usually the other way around. oh well... i never really play by the rules.

i discovered dill pickle pringles this weekend. can you say amazing? yum yum! i think i found a new favorite food!

i have a half marathon next weekend, so running outside today was fabulous. i was excited to run, didn't get bored and got to stretch outside when i was finished. does it get better than that? a 55 degree day happened at just the right moment- i was beginning to loose my interest in the gym resulting in me not getting full workouts in. and i am not dumb, i know that we will have more cold days and i will be right back in the gym, but sneaking in a day or two outside when i can is like going on vacation for an hour!

i can't wait for ben to get back... hopefully he'll back before it gets too late to do anything!

i will survive

ok... Saturday night and i am home- ALONE. this stinks! I guess I could have made plans, but it's been so long since I needed to, that I just didn't.

So, tournament update: Jess didn't end up going. So all that stress and anxiety for nothing. I am hoping though that maybe when Ben gets back he will be ready to figure out some boundaries and she won't be an issue any longer.

today... hmm... i was up way early and shopped with Jen. I am basically not sure what i would do without her some days. she kept me busy all morning and let me vent when i needed to and let me know i wasn't crazy. sometimes i think that i am so sucked into ben's world that i forget my opinion is just as important and valid as his is. she keeps me grounded.

definitely got some cute stuff today- nothing for ben's birthday and no cleats for me, but still had a really great time. i need to get out of the house tomorrow too... meeting woman for breakfast (maybe she take me grocery shopping too!) and then who knows. maybe a movie by myself. i am pretty big fan of that!! a chick flick and not having to share armrests... does it get better than that?

anyway- i am hoping he calls before he goes to bed- i can't seem to dial up his number. what is wrong with me?

the night before

I working really hard at not freaking out about this whole tournament. i still don't think my issue is trusting him- i don't trust her.

i wish i was more secure, but for some reason i am just not. i need to figure this out, because i don't want to stress about this every day... i don't want to be that girl. and no one wants to date "that girl". ben hasn't said anything like he is ready to walk away- i just don't want to turn into the girl that freaks about everything. i mean, in this moment i am level headed, but there is still part of me that hates this is happening.

wish me luck this weekend... i will keep updating.

time is on my side.. yes it is

so my saga continues... last night i find out that not only will ben be gone at a frisbee tournament (yes, missing the celtics game on sunday) but yay- jess will be going too. oh and they will be staying in a hotel together. i do understand that they aren't the only two in the room, but really?

most of you would be proud. i didn't yell, i didn't cry, i didn't even make crazy demands. i just simply said, "how can you expect me to be ok with this? and what are you going to do to make it better?" and then i basically let the issue die. i will give ben credit, he said he would do anything i asked him to do... he wanted me to be more comfortable. i came up with a list of 7 things i needed him to do... one of which was get another hotel room. he agreed... but i think more because there were too many people for one room anyway. he also acknowledged that he knows this is hard for me and although he doesn't see an issue with it, that there must be a problem with it because i don't usually get upset about things.

he and i need to figure out some darn clear boundaries around this triangle we have going on. i know in the end that everything will be fine. he isn't going to be inappropriate with her and that when he comes home on sunday i am the person he wants to come home to. i know that he will miss me and will wish i was there because i am far more fun than anyone else at that silly tournament.

i think him being gone for the weekend will be good for me as well... i think i need to figure out what i want and how i can make that happen. i need to find that independent streak that i seem to have lost recently.

i did have some helpful advice from a few people- which i appreciate more than i can say. so, if anyone is around this weekend... i will be. a chick flick on sunday sounds great. and i am not afraid to go alone!!

can't get out of my own way

I woke up this morning feeling down. I have no real explanation for this expect that I can't seem to shake the fact that B misses another girl. I don't know why I am having such a hard time with this, but it is weighing heavily upon me.

I think it partly bothers me so much because he does not seem to even understand why i feel this way. He thinks I am being dramatic and insecure. I don't think it has anything to do with being insecure, but rather the opposite. I am secure in myself enough that I am not ok with my boyfriend missing another girl and I can't let it go. I can't roll over and pretend that this doesn't bother me.

If he is missing her, is he really over her? Has he really moved on? Is there still a part of him that wants her? Or have I read far too much into this? Am i being crazy about this?

He told me the other day that I was the coolest girlfriend in almost all things, but not on the issue of her. I guess it would be better to date someone less cool about everything and would freak about this? I don't know any other girl that would still even be here with some of the dumb ex-girlfriend shit he has pulled.

No, I am NOT ok with him spending time with her. I think he is CRAZY for asking me to be ok with it!!